On mental illness

This really resonated with me. Not long after my father died in 1993, I had a classic meltdown while at the family cabin (believe me, it wasn't very glamorous as it lacked indoor plumbing at the time) with my older sister and brother. I thought I had a UTI coming on and asked my brother if he could go get me some cranberry juice. When he asked what may have caused the UTI, I said "stress" and he responded "what do you have to be stressed about". Sounds innocuous but turned into a scene with my crying hysterically and my sister defending me and herself from my brother. I realized that I needed to do something so I went to a psychiatrist who gave me put me on meds for depression and got me into therapy.

Things went on for a few years, I was better but things weren't quite right. I was finally correctly diagnosed when I went in and started speaking a mile a minute while bouncing my leg. It turns out I have a form of bi-polar disorder. I don't have the "Hi, I'm in Hawaii" spur of the moment manic episodes or the curled in a ball in the corner bouts of depression but it is enough to lead me to poor choices (manic) or bouts of uncertainty.

Still I am on a good mix of meds now and I am more able to go with life's curveballs than I ever was. However, in darker moments, I wonder how my life would have been different had I been diagnosed much earlier in life. The bi-polar feed greatly into my self esteem. Would I have not made such bad choices in men or at least recognized that I couldn't help them much earlier than I did?

I wish I could say it was water under the bridge but there is much I have missed out on in life and I still have the tendency to not let things go that are better left in the past.