Goodbye Tess

I had her since she was 8 weeks old. The shelter let me know on my birthday that she and her brother were mine so I immediately went to get them.

She stopped eating a few days ago but was still drinking. I had made the decision that I would take her to the vet on Monday and end it but tonight it became clear that she wouldn't make it. I took her to the emergency vet. I fully intended to remain with her but I just couldn't do it. R.I.P Miss Tess

I've had an incredibly crappy week

It started with coming into work on Monday and finding that a decision a business owner made was wrong coming back to haunt them and the expectation that my team would fix it. It progressed to said business owner bitching to the powers that be that we weren't supporting them (and it was their own fuck up)and dealing with another business owner that had a legislatively mandated program to stand up complaining the same. I might add if we had been any more flexible our heads would have been up our own collective ass. A horrible meeting ensued where one person accused us of dropping a requirement on them at the last minute which we had given them weeks ago. The person's initials are LS which I decided meant "Lying Skank", I the reconsidered it because of the sexual connotations and the fact that it was unfair to skanks. I next considered "scum" and then realized I was giving the woman too much credit. I need to find a suitable s- word - scabies came to mind but I just don't know. A co-worker had worked with LS when s/he (let's cover my ass here) and basically described her a "backstabbing bitch. (I guess that blows the cya) What pisses me off is that I ALWAYS do what it takes. I see this shit as as slap in the face. Apparently, one of the BOs actually said he didn't believe my contractors(and myself) worked weekends to deliver what he needed. but i have a hearty FU to that BO.

On mental illness

This really resonated with me. Not long after my father died in 1993, I had a classic meltdown while at the family cabin (believe me, it wasn't very glamorous as it lacked indoor plumbing at the time) with my older sister and brother. I thought I had a UTI coming on and asked my brother if he could go get me some cranberry juice. When he asked what may have caused the UTI, I said "stress" and he responded "what do you have to be stressed about". Sounds innocuous but turned into a scene with my crying hysterically and my sister defending me and herself from my brother. I realized that I needed to do something so I went to a psychiatrist who gave me put me on meds for depression and got me into therapy.

Things went on for a few years, I was better but things weren't quite right. I was finally correctly diagnosed when I went in and started speaking a mile a minute while bouncing my leg. It turns out I have a form of bi-polar disorder. I don't have the "Hi, I'm in Hawaii" spur of the moment manic episodes or the curled in a ball in the corner bouts of depression but it is enough to lead me to poor choices (manic) or bouts of uncertainty.

Still I am on a good mix of meds now and I am more able to go with life's curveballs than I ever was. However, in darker moments, I wonder how my life would have been different had I been diagnosed much earlier in life. The bi-polar feed greatly into my self esteem. Would I have not made such bad choices in men or at least recognized that I couldn't help them much earlier than I did?

I wish I could say it was water under the bridge but there is much I have missed out on in life and I still have the tendency to not let things go that are better left in the past.

Identity/confidence Issues and a Who fan

I've just posted some tunes to my facebook page and boy do they reveal some issues: More of the same which I have refrained from posting on FB(so far):

It's not about being read, it's about being written

exactly!

My Little Pony name

Apparently there are different kinds - this is my EarthPpony name: Honey Darling
My Pegasus Pony: Sunny Chaser
My Unicorn pony: Fairy Darling
Take My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator

Double rainbow - What does it mean

I actually did go walking in the park and saw a double rainbow. The rainbow on the left by the gap of trees is easier to see. There is another one to the right that maybe too faint to see in the pic.

My first thoughts on seeing this were of this:


He seems to be enjoying the rainbow a bit too much before the drug crash happens.

Another year of ignoring resolutions

Every year I start with the best intentions. I make resolutions and fail to mee them. This year is no different but I think I've identified why I don't keep them - they are for the most part too vague. This year's goals:

Clean the house more often

Drink less

Exercise more

Eat Better

Lose Weight
See what I mean about vague. It's no wonder, I fail. So let's tighten things up.

Clean the house more often weekly

Drink less Cut drinking in half by end of January

Exercise more Go to the gym at least 3 times a week

Eat Better Plan meals out each week and keep a food journal

Lose Weight Get down to the high end of my ideal weight for my height and age by doing the above in time for my birthday
I'm hopefully off to a promising start by going on the tradition NYD walk in the state park.